Hey there, and welcome to Finding Me at Forty.
Are you asking yourself “why am I feeling lost?” Me too.
Who am I?…
You guessed it, I’m a recently initiated member of the ‘Forty Somethings Club’. Meanwhile, I’m also the dishevelled mother of two beautiful beasts; one of whom is the dictionary definition of ‘teenager’. He often can’t stand to breathe the same air as me, let alone talk to me. And a wannabe teenager, who is wonderfully deep-feeling, stubborn, headstrong, and capable of breaking the sound barrier with her tween tantrums.
Additionally, they are also bloody brilliant, funny, and caring individuals. I think the world of them when I’m not feeling completely defeated and overwhelmed by the thankless task of motherhood that is. I’d say at least twice a week!
Why I’m here.
A year and a half ago, I made the difficult decision to quit a job in mental health support. I loved my job dearly and was pretty damn good at it, but it had become unmanageable. In becoming a stay-at-home mum I believed I was reconnecting to my core values. I was focusing on the things that are most important to me, my family and home. However, the truth is, that I became even more lost and buried in responsibility, soon living a lonely and self deteriorating existence.
While I often love being a mum, and there is a real sense of achievement from building a home for my not-so-little people, on occasions I despise how lost and unvalidated I feel. Also, the guilt that comes from not loving every minute of motherhood is often unbearable.
What if being a mum is only a small part of who I am? Perhaps it’s ok to want more.
While I may have left my job in mental health, for now, it is still my biggest passion. I’ve made it my mission to build an extensive knowledge of all things mental health. I’m also an expert by experience. I’m riddled with anxiety daily and, if I’m honest, feeling lower than I wish to admit.
Why am I feeling lost?
I’m ready to find the answer to this question and to share my journey with you. Because, every single one of us has mental health, and, in my view, few of us pay it the attention it needs and deserves.
The idea of Finding Me at Forty manifested itself on the 2nd of January 2024, as I sat on the floor of my utility room sobbing uncontrollably. I was feeling overwhelmed by the monotony of life and this intense feeling of failure. Equally, I felt dread for yet another year of emptiness.
As I sat on that cold floor with my salty tears dripping down my face onto the unfolded mountain of towels in my lap, I realised that the only person that could change my life was me.
I was simply existing and had been for many years. I had also lost all purpose and sense of identity.
What did I have in front of me but saggy boobs, and skin that seems to have lost its elasticity at the strike of midnight on the eve of my 4oth, birthday? Not to mention hormonal rage, a never-ending to-do list, and caring for children who mostly find me rather annoying.
Not one of these things left me feeling driven, fulfilled, or whole. They left me feeling lost.
The only way is up.
I find it’s often when we hit rock bottom that we somehow discover our way back up. At that moment I had a thought… what if I’m not the only one feeling this way? What if other people are asking themselves, “Why am I feeling lost?” Do others struggle to navigate their 40s, motherhood, and life in general too? Am I the only one in search of the road to self-discovery?
It’s these thoughts that brought me here to Finding Me at Forty. A blog that perhaps can hold me accountable for taking the reins on my midlife adventure and, in addition, help me reach out to other lost souls.
Where do we go from here?
They say life begins at 40! But when your life feels like a shrivelled-up old prune, much like your aging and tired skin, it feels almost impossible to find that little spark to reignite.
Perhaps I am amid a midlife crisis and searching for the rhyme and reason of life. Or maybe deep down there’s a tiny ember that still smoulders; a deep desire to be recognised and seen, loved and appreciated. A desire to laugh, create, achieve, explore, and perchance thrive.
So, I don’t know about you, but I’m done with letting anxiety dictate my story and with shrinking myself small. I’m over being last in line on my list of priorities. And I’m most definitely done with feeling lost and out of touch with who I am and what matters to me most.
Today marks the start of my journey to finding the true me. Redefining who I am and rediscovering what fills me up and makes me whole. I hope today marks the start of this journey for you too.
I invite you to join me on this treacherous adventure, for which I currently have no map.
My biggest hope is to guide you through Finding Me at Forty, so that may, just maybe, you get to find you too.
Yours truly,
Nadine x
