“I’m a Bad Mum”

“I’m a bad Mum!”

What led me to such harsh labelling and how I have changed this belief?

“I’m a bad Mum”. This statement has entered my head more than a few times. Sometimes it’s even left my mouth as words. Do I believe it? I would say that in the moment it arises in my thoughts, I do. However, what I know for sure, is that this statement is not helpful to either me or my children.

In this post, we will unpick what leads us to be so self-critical of who we are as parents. I’ll also share ways in which I made changes in an attempt to counteract this unhelpful belief and turn it into a much more accurate and positive acceptance.

How do we get to “I’m a bad Mum”?

Self-criticism is something that I have struggled with for years, perhaps the majority of my life. For me, not feeling like a good mum, stems from my belief that I am not good enough. This is a belief I have been working on changing over the last few months and you can find out about the tools I have used here in my post ‘I’m not good enough’ and Other Negative Beliefs.

“I’m a bad mum!” isn’t always a present thought for me, but I hear my inner critic shout it all too often. This belief doesn’t form overnight either. For me, there are several contributing factors that have led me to this biased belief….

Too high expectations.

 It comes as a default for me to have high expectations of myself and to judge myself harshly when I do not meet these expectations. As a recovering perfectionist, this is again something I am working on, but I notice that when my mindset and wellbeing aren’t great, such as, if I’m lacking sleep and rest, or juggling too many responsibilities, I slip back into old habits of expecting too much of myself. When I can’t meet these impossible anticipations, I see myself as failing. Failing = Not Good Enough, in my mind at least.

Overwhelm.

The feeling of overwhelm can be caused by experiencing one large or significant stressor, such as the loss of a loved one. But often, and I think especially in parenthood, it can be the result of managing a series of small stressors. These might include the 10th load of washing this week, trying to hold the dates and times of 4 of your children’s activities in your head, planning and spending hours making dinners that your fussy tween turns their nose up at, juggling finances, and supporting your child to navigate a broken friendship, all on 5 hours of sleep.

Feeling perpetually overwhelmed can have a cognitive impact and trigger a stress response in our body. This can lead to a reduction in cognitive function, ranging from mental slowness and forgetfulness to an impaired ability to problem solve or to think logically. 

My actions don’t align with my values.

Our values are the things that are most important to us. In my opinion, working in line with our values is what feeds our soul and allows us to connect with ourselves. They establish our sense of self and identity.

As a parent, I have very strong values about how I want to show up. My strongest core value is to be there for my children emotionally. Another is to show them respect.

The difficulty is, I am only human. Sometimes things like my wellbeing, mindset, or mood, get in the way of me acting in alignment with these values.

When I’m out of patience and raise my voice unnecessarily, have chosen my words with frustration rather than respect, or have let my own emotions impact my children. This is when I find I am most prone to believing “I’m a bad mum”! Am I being fair to myself in these moments? No, but we already know that overwhelm impacts our ability to think logically and that my expectations are too high.

I’ve let the noise of others cloud my judgement.

Sadly, we live in a world of comparison and judgement. It is normal to have views and opinions about how we should parent, all of which will stem from our values. And of course, these views will differ from person to person. Fortunately, and unfortunately, there is a lot of noise, on social media, in parenting groups, from professionals, and even your own parents about how things should be done! I feel the expectation on parents is huge, and it’s sometimes hard to hear your own voice through all the chatter.

I occasionally find I adjust the way I parent to meet other’s outlooks. Sometimes this can be a good thing and I discover a way of doing things that suits us well. However, often, listening to the views of others, especially if they don’t align with my values, leads to negative comparisons, and the belief that I am not good enough as a parent.

I let the noise get too loud and cloud my judgement. In these moments I need to ask myself where the judgement is coming from, is it mine, or does it belong to someone else? If it is from outside of myself, I question if I value this opinion. If I don’t, I need to let it go.

How to move away from the belief that you are a “bad Mum”.

Does this belief serve me as a parent or a person? No.

Feeling shite about myself and judging myself so harshly does nothing but hurt my relationship with myself and my children. Plus, if I can access that logical part of my brain, I know in my heart, this belief is inaccurate.

Here are the tools I have used to address and change this belief into something valuable and true.

Ask yourself what a “bad Mum” really is.

I struggled with this initially. Ultimately this isn’t a term that I would use with anyone other than myself (says a lot right?). In trying to answer this question, I returned to my values as a parent and what matters to me most; that my children are safe, secure, loved, respected, nourished and nurtured.

I then thought about what the opposite of this would look like for my children. That they would be unsafe, insecure, unloved, disrespected, malnourished and not nurtured by me.

When I take a step back, I can see that I am 100 times closer to meeting the needs I value, than I am to my children being unsafe, unloved or malnourished. This helped me to change my perspective and judge myself a little less harshly.

What would your children say about you?

Get the tissues ready! This is an emotional but valuable tool to use to move away from that “bad mum” mentality.

Take some time to think about what your children would say about you as a mum, and what makes you a good mum. Better still ask them.

I asked my children this question. They told me that I am a good mum because I make them dinners and make sure they have what they need. But also because I listen to them, support them and help them to overcome challenges. They said they know I love them because I show them love through affection and positive affirmations. All of these things align with my parenting values! Winning!

I found it helpful to write these things down so I can come back to them when I need to.

You could also use a Positive Data Log to record all of the evidence that goes against the belief that you are a “bad mum”. Find out more and download a Positive Data Log here.

“I’m a good mum who…”

The reality is, we all make mistakes. When your children make mistakes do you belittle them and call them bad over and over again?

I have thought long and hard about the role model I want to be and how I want my children to see me react to my mistakes. But also, I deserve some slack and to be treated in the same way I would treat others.

“I’m a good mum who…” has become a bit of a mantra for me, and I use it whenever I notice a nagging internal voice suggesting that I am anything less.

I might say, “I’m a good mum who overcooked the dinner tonight”, “I’m a good mum who lost her cool”, or “I’m a good mum who’s been nagging”. More often than not, I’ll say it out loud so my children hear this self-compassion too, but they also see that I recognise my mistakes and learn from them.

The truth is that neither burning the dinner, losing my cool, or being insatiably naggy make me a bad mum.

So, the next time you hear a similar narrative to the one I’ve been struggling with, or you notice a nagging thought that you are a “bad mum”, please try out some of these tools and remind yourself you are doing a good job.

Do you have any tools that help you to break the cycle of negative beliefs? Please share by commenting below.