Sometimes, Life Sucks

Another weekend, another let down.

It’s Sunday. The sun is shining for the first time in what feels like a month of monsoon. I wake early, before everyone else, which always fills me with a sense of achievement. Like I’m winning at life.

Tip-toeing downstairs, I skilfully dodge the creaky floorboard at the top of the stairs. I head to the comfort of the sofa to work on Finding Me at Forty in peace and solitude. Feeling energised by slowly working my way through my to-do list.
Shortly, come the soft rumblings from above. A sign that each member of my family is waking, one by one. At this instant, I feel the energy I’ve gained from my productive solitude slowly ebb away.

It’s not that I’m not excited to see them, or that I don’t look forward to spending the day with them. I always do. However, often the ideal sunny Sunday I imagine never comes to fruition.

Why does life feel so disappointing?

Fast forward 4 hours later, and here I lay on a crumpled unmade bed, that I’m damned if I’m making, not being the last one out of it. Face down in the tear-damp pillow, I’m replaying a morning of meh. How did I get it so wrong once again?

My heart has already decided to remain here for the rest of the day. Stay in bed rather than face the disappointment of another weekend failing to meet my expectations. Or perhaps it’s not the weekend but life in general that is letting me down.

Let’s face it, sometimes, life sucks.

I haven’t experienced the worst kind of day. So why does it feel like I have? No life-changing disasters. Just the usual nagging and constant repeat of “Have you brushed your teeth?”, “where are your socks?” and “Can you please get off your phone and get ready”. Another battle to get out the door, meanwhile our precious time together slips away, minute by minute.

What should have been an exhilarating and joyful walk along the beach, became the opposite. It is tainted.

I know I’m being a negative Nancy. On reflection, there are many things to be grateful for. The warmth of the sun on my cheeks. It’s glisten on the gentle to and fro of the sea. My daughter’s hand in mine. Her laugh as the waves fill her boots.

Life through a gloomy lens.

But it’s not these memories I take away. I hold on to the constant anxiety of my ever-so-friendly but too-vocal dog barking unnecessarily at every dog he meets. This leads to the worry of how their owners view me becoming all-consuming. Secondly, I reminisce about how grumpy my husband has been and how unloved I feel.

Instead of focusing on joy, I am annoyed that my daughter didn’t see me encouraging her to take off her soggy boots and walk barefoot in the sand as a moment of freedom and frivolity.  I’m disappointed she doesn’t wonder ‘How lucky am I to have such a carefree mother who nurtures my individuality’. Rather, she blames me repeatedly for her feet being cold and sore. As if it were me who filled her boots with seawater in the first place Lastly, I feel heavy with sadness that my son refuses to come along, choosing an Xbox over time with me. 

Cue the Mum guilt.

I know these are precious moments. I can hear the voices of previous generations convincing me that my children will grow so fast. The guilt that I don’t treasure every moment with them sits in the pit of my stomach. 

But, in truth, not every moment feels warm and fuzzy and filled with joy. It’s hard to find happiness when I feel tired and alone.

Why does my life feel so disappointing? How come it rarely seems to live up to my expectations? Furthermore, why, sometimes, does life suck?

I ask myself these questions all too often. I’m not sure I know the answer to its full extent yet. But I’m starting to realise that maybe it isn’t life that’s letting me down, but how I view it.

A change of perspective.

What if it’s my mindset that is the problem?

Have I let life get the better of me?

And, when did I stop looking after the thing that matters most, my wellbeing?

In a moment of rock bottom, these questions give me hope. If my life and career have taught me anything, it’s that no feeling lasts forever.

I can change my mindset if I am willing to work at it. Surely if I make some tweaks here and there things will change. If only I could find the will to put myself and my needs first.

Undoubtedly, letting go of the guilt is the first step I should take. I know it doesn’t serve me, or my family. However, releasing my grip on the shame doesn’t come easy. It’s something I’ll have to practice.

Nevertheless, I’m a good mum who is feeling lost and choosing to focus on finding herself. And that’s ok. Perhaps, more than ok. but necessary in this journey of mine.  

While right now feels tough, and life feels disappointing, I know the best years of my life are ahead. All I need to do is open my eyes, my mind, and lastly, my heart once more.

Does life suck for you sometimes too? Feel free to share your experience in the comments. You are not alone. I’d love to hear how you overcome the impact this has on your mindset and mood too. 

If you are finding motherhood and midlife difficult, head to my blog post ‘How to Change Negative Core Beliefs’ to access a free wellbeing tool. 

Are you doubting yourself as a mother? Have a read of ‘I’m a Bad Mum’.

If you are a parent and are struggling with your mental health, you can access information and support from Mind by clicking on the icon below.